Coming Out is the process of recognizing, accepting,
and sharing with others one’s sexual identity. The term “coming out”
is a shortened version of the phrase “coming out of the closet,” which is a metaphor for revealing one’s sexual orientation. Coming out is not a
single event, but rather a life-long process.
In our society,
people generally assume that everyone is heterosexual, so persons who are
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning (LGBTQ) must
continually decide in what situations and with whom they want to correct that
assumption by disclosing their sexual orientation. In every new situation, with
every new person they meet, they must decide whether or not to come out.
There are many stages
in the coming out process, and the process is not exactly the same for every
person. Generally, the coming
out process begins with coming out to oneself: the internal process a LGBTQ
person goes through in recognizing and accepting their sexual orientation. This
can be frightening and depressing at first for many people, because they, like
almost everyone in our society, have learned negative stereotypes and many
myths about LGBTQ people as they were growing up. Later Stages of
coming out involve choosing to disclose one’s sexual orientation to others.
Coming out can be a
very long and difficult struggle because it involves not only confronting the
constant assumption that one is heterosexual, but also confronting homophobic
attitudes and discriminatory practices along the way.
Ultimately, coming
out can be a very freeing experience for persons who are LGBTQ because it
allows them to live a more honest life and develop more genuine relationships
with others. Coming out does not
solve all of an individual’s problems; indeed, it may create new ones. Weighing
the advantages and disadvantages of coming out is part of the process.
There are different
levels of being out, ranging form completely closeted (not revealing one’s
sexual orientation to anyone) to being publicly out (willing to reveal one’s
sexual orientation publicly). An individual may be out to some people and not
to others, or out in some situations, but closeted in others. For example, a
person might be out to friends, but not his or her family members. A person
might be out at school, but not in their home town. Someone might be out in
their church, but not in their professional life. The phrases below describe
different degrees to which an individual might be in or out of the closet:
Closeted= ”I don’t want you to know”
Passing= ”I assume you don’t know”
Covering= “I don’t know what you know”
Implicitly Out= “I’m gay. See it if you can”
Explicitly Out= “I’m telling you I am gay”
Publicly Out= “See me as Gay”
There are many different models which attempt to
explain the process individuals go through in developing an identity which is
Lesbian, Gay. Bisexual, or Transgendered. Generally, these models describe
variations of a pattern in which an individual experiences their first
awareness of LGBT identity, self-labeling as LGB or T, community involvement
and disclosure of their identity to others, and integration of their LGB or T
identity with other aspects of their self. The Cass Model, shown here, is one
of the most widely referenced psycho-social models. Remember that the models
are generalizations, and may not completely describe any one individual’s
experience. While the model originally used the term “homosexual” exclusively,
we have found that to replace it with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender is appropriate.
STAGE 1: IDENTITY CONFUSION (Who am I?) Individuals realize that their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors can be defined as LGB or T. They begin to ask the questions, “Who am I?” and to accept the possibility that they may be LGB or T. Confusion and turmoil happen as they let go of their identity as heterosexual.
STAGE 2: IDENTITY COMPARISON (I’m Different) Individuals compare their own perception to their behavior and self with the perceptions that others have of that behavior and self, becoming aware of differences in perception. They feel alienated from all others and have a sense of not belonging to society at large.
STAGE 3: IDENTITY TOLERANCE(I’m Probably Gay/Lesbian) Individuals seek out LGB or T persons to counter feelings of isolation and alienation from others. They begin to tolerate, but not accept, LGB or T identity.
STAGE 4: IDENTITY ACCEPTANCE (I Am Gay/Lesbian) Individuals increase contacts with other LGB or T persons, which validates and “normalizes” LGB or Ts as an identity and a way of life. Thy can now accept rather than tolerate a LGB or T self image.
STAGE 5: IDENTITY PRIDE (I’m Gay/Lesbian And Proud Of It; “Them vs. Us” Attitude) Individuals tend to devalue the importance of non-gay others to themselves and revalues LGBT others more positively, to the point of developing a “them vs. us” attitude where all non-gay persons are viewed negatively and all LGBT persons are viewed positively, They are proud to be LGB or T and no longer conceal their LGB or T identity.
STAGE 6: IDENTITY SYNTHESIS (I’m More Than Gay/Lesbian; I’m A Complex Person) Individuals abandon the LGBT “us” versus the non-gay “them” attitude. Supportive non-gay persons are values while unsupportive non-gay persons are further devalued. Their personal and public sexual identities become synthesized into one identity, and they are able to integrate a LGB or T identity with all other aspects of self.
Adapted from: Cass, V.C. (1979). Homosexual identity formation: A theoretical model. Journal of Homosexuality, 4, 219-235, and Berzon, Betty (1990) Permanent Partners: Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships that Last. via NIU SZP Handbook page 10
Coming out allows the person to develop as a whole
individual, allows for greater empowerment, and makes it easier for an
individual to develop a positive self-image. By coming out, the person is
able to share with others who they are and what is important to them, rather
than having to hide or lie about their identity. Coming out frees the
person of the fear of being “found out” and helps them avoid living a double
life, which can be extremely stressful and demoralizing. Finally, coming
out makes it easier to connect with people who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,
Transgendered, or Questioning(LGBTQ) giving a sense of community.
Outlining some of the benefits and risks of coming out is not
meant to convince anyone to choose to come out or not come out in any given
situation. Rather, thinking about some of the possible outcomes of such a
choice can clarify an individual’s decision by helping them determine the
appropriate time for coming out and preparing them for possible reactions.
Some Benefits of Coming Out Ability to live one’s life honestly. Building self-esteem by being honest about oneself. Developing closer, more genuine relationships with friends and family. Alleviating the stress of hiding one’s identity. Connecting with other people who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual. Being part of a community with others with whom you have something in common. Helping to dispel myths and stereotypes by speaking about one’s own experience and educating others. Being a role model for others.
Some Risks of Coming Out Not everyone will be understanding or accepting. Family, friends, or coworkers may be shocked or confused, or even hostile. Some relationships may be permanently changed. An individual may experience harassment or discrimination. (It is important to know that discrimination based on sexual orientation is still legal in the vast majority of states. In most cases, there is no legal protection for people who are LGBTQ – they may be fired from their jobs, denied housing, or denied insurance.) People under the age of 18 may be thrown out of their homes or lose financial support from their parents.
The coming out process is different for each person and in
each situation. Before an individual decides to come out, it could be helpful
to evaluate these suggestions in light of her or his own personal situation and
needs. Heterosexual allies can assist friends who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual
by helping them consider these issues in their process of deciding whether or
not to come out.
Are you sure about your sexual orientation? Do not raise the issue unless you are able to
respond with confidence to the question, “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part
will increase others’ confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.
Are you comfortable with your sexual identity? Be clear about your own feelings about being
LGBTQ. If you’re wrestling with guilt or depression, get help in getting over
that before coming out to non-gay people. Coming out can require a lot of
energy and a reserve of positive self-image. If you are comfortable with your
identity, those to whom you come out will often sense that, and have an easier
time accepting your disclosure.
Do you have support?
In the event you get a negative reaction, there
should be someone or a group that you can turn to for emotional support and strength.
Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical!
Are you well informed about LGBTQ persons and
sexuality?
The reactions of others will most likely be
based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you’ve done
some serious reading on the subject, you will be prepared to answer their
concerns and questions with reliable and accurate information. Know some books
that you can share with others who might want to know more or have a contact
name for a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter.
Is this a good time?
Timing can be very important. Be aware of the
mood, priorities, stresses, and problems of those with whom you would like to
share your identity. Choose a time when they are not dealing with major life
concerns. What people are dealing with in their own lives may affect their
receptivity to your news.
Can you be patient?
Others will require time to deal with this new
information. Remember that it took many of us a very long time to come to terms
with our sexuality. When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give
them time to adjust and to comprehend what they learned. Do not expect
immediate acceptance, but try instead to establish an on-going, caring
dialogue.
What’s your motive for coming out now?
Hopefully, it is because you care about the people you
intend to come out to, and you are uncomfortable with the distance you feel
between you and them. Never come out in anger during an argument, using your
sexuality as a weapon.
Have you tried to anticipate others’ reactions? Consider your general relationship with those to
whom you intend to come out. What might their concerns be? How can you address
those concerns? What message do you want to send? For example, try to affirm
mutual caring and love before disclosing your news. Emphasize that you are
still the same person. (An excellent book to help you consider these questions
is Coming Out: An Act of Love by Rob Eichberg.)
Have you thought about how you will respond to
negative reactions? Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger,
or upset others at first. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try to let
others be honest about their initial feelings, even if they are negative.
Remember that the initial reaction may not be the long-term one. Keep the lines
of communication open with people to whom you come out. Respond to their
questions and remember that they are probably in the process of
re-examining myths and stereotypes which we all have been exposed to. If
you are rejected by someone, do not lose sight of your own self-worth/.
Remember that your coming out was a gift of sharing an important part of
yourself which that person has chosen to reject for now.
Is this your decision? Remember that the
decision to come out is yours—you can decide when, where, how, and to whom you
wish to come out. Do not be guilt tripped or pressured into it before you are
ready. Coming out decisions must be made carefully, and only you can weigh the
potential benefits and the potential consequences.
Coming out is an on-going process, not a single event.
All people who are LGBTQ have to make decisions about when and to whom to come
out almost every day. Remember that you have the right to ask anyone to whom
you come out not to share your disclosure with others. You may want to role
play and practice before you tell someone. Although coming out get a little
easier the more you do it, it is important that your words and thoughts be well
chosen. Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from it,
because there will always be a next time.
Adapted
from “Coming Out to Your Parents” published by PFLAG and from “About Coming
Out” published by NGLFT via NIU SZP
The prospect of coming out, of revealing one’s
sexual orientation, can be a daunting one in any given situation. There is
always a risk that the person one chooses to tell may react negatively. The
following information may help people who are not LGBTQ understand some of the
concerns that people who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, or
Questioning have.
What might people who are LGBTQ be afraid of when they come out? Rejection—loss of relationships with friends and/or family Gossip Harassment or abuse Being thrown out of the family Being thrown out of the house Discrimination Being seen as sick, immoral, or perverted Loss of financial support Not being accepted in their religious community Losing their job Having their professional credibility questioned or undermined Physical violence
How might people who are LGBTQ feel about coming out to someone? Scared Vulnerable Unsure—wondering how the person will react Relieved Proud
What might people who are LGBTQ want from people they come out to? Acceptance Support Understanding Comfort Reassurance that their relationship won’t be negatively affected Closer relationship Acknowledgement of their feelings Love
Adapted from Coming Out, Developed by Vernon Wall and Jamie Washington, 1989 via NIU SZP Handbook page 25
It is important to remember that coming out is
not a single event, but a life-long process, which may being at any age.
There are many stages in the coming out process, and the process is not exactly
the same for every person. Generally, the coming out process begins with
coming out to oneself; later stages of coming out involve choosing to disclose
one’s sexual orientation to others.
Moving toward a recognition and acceptance of one’s own sexual orientation. This part of the coming out process involves becoming consciously aware of one’s feelings for and attractions to people of the same sex, or to people of both sexes if one is bisexual. Accepting those feelings and attractions may involve “un-learning” myths, misinformation, and stereotypes that one has been taught by society about people who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning (LGBTQ). Acceptance may also involve grieving for the loss of one’s heterosexual identity (i.e. feeling that one will never get married or have children, realizing they may not have the perfect church wedding their parents dreamed of for them, etc.). Another aspect of this stage may be working through one’s fears about how others may react to their sexual orientation and fears about the possibility of rejection by family or friends. Developing a positive self-image is a crucial part of the coming out process.
Coming out to and gaining support from other lesbian, gay, and bisexual people. As individuals “un-learn” the myths and stereotypes that previously formed the basis for their knowledge about homosexuality or bisexuality, they may experience a need to replace that information with more accurate and positive information. They may do this, in part, by seeking out other LGBTQ people who can share their experiences with them. Also, as a individual lets go of their heterosexual identity, they may experience a sense of isolation, of no longer fitting into the heterosexual world around them. They may seek out people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual in order to develop a new sense of community or belonging. People who are LGBTQ may be perceived as the safest people to initially come out to since they are not likely to react negatively or with prejudice. They may begin to develop a support network which helps them feel more comfortable with and established in their sexual orientation. This may include joining lesbian, gay, and bisexual organizations, visiting a gay or lesbian bar, participation gin a counseling support group for people who are LGBTQ, or coming out to non-gay, lesbian, or bisexual people who are likely to be supportive.
Coming out to non-lesbian, gay, or bisexual people. As individuals feel more comfortable with their sexual orientation ,they may begin to come out to heterosexual friends, family members, or co-workers. Prior to actually coming out, they may begin to drop hints to “test the waters” for possible reactions. Without explicitly stating their sexual orientation, they may indicate with whom they are spending time, or that they are not planning on marriage. They may discuss issues related to homosexuality in general in order to gauge others’ attitudes. Such preliminary steps can make the actual revelation of their sexual orientation less unexpected. As they experience positive reactions, they may feel more and more able to come out to others. If they experience negative reactions, they may go back into the closet for a period of time, they may use their support network to retain their self-confidence, or they may break off relationships with people who are not accepting of their identity.
Secret symbols and code words have long been
used by persons who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual as means of covert
communication in homophobic societies. In the last twenty years, many of these
symbols and code phrases have been reclaimed by persons who are lesbian, gay,
and bisexual to show a sense of community and pride.
175- Based on paragraph 175 of the German Penal Code of 1871 which became famous for outlawing homosexual practices. Gays were labeled l75ers.
Black Triangle - Lesbians, prostitutes and other women who were considered '£unfriendly" because they wouldn't agree to have sex were forced to wear black triangles in World War II Nazi concentration camps. There is less documentation about this symbol.
Calamus - A plant used by author Walt Whitman as a symbol of homoerotic love in his works. Homosexuals in his day became known as calamites.
ENC- Symbol for the organization in North Carolina that works for equal rights for LGBTQ people and which educates and sponsors programs on the law and other components of life which affect the LGBTQ population, Equality North Carolina.
Equal Sign- the yellow equal sign on a field of navy blue is the Human Rights Campaign insignia that is often worn on cars and clothing as a symbol of the fight for equal rights for LGBTQ people.
Family- Indicating the term used to suggest or include someone as LGBQ. In conversation in public someone who is LGBTQ may refer to another as “family” to tell the other person that he/she is LGBTQ as well.
Going to the same church- Used in the south as a means of suggesting that someone that a person is referring to belongs to the LGBTQ community. Often used in public to get around using the words LGBTor Q.
Green Carnation - Flowers worn by men in Oscar Wilde's generation to identify themselves as homosexual. The meaning comes from an 1894 novel entitled '£The Green Carnation" by Robert Hichens, attacking Wilde's homosexuality.
Hare - Historian John Boswell has documented a long association of male homosexuality with the hare, from biblical times through the Middle Ages.
Kinsey 6- A term for a person identifying as completely homosexual. It refers to sex researcher Alfred Kinsey's 0-6 scale of sexual orientation.
Labrys - A symbol of power and pride adopted by many lesbians and feminists. It is a double-headed axe appearing in art dating back to ancient Crete and Greece, often carried by all female Amazon tribes.
Ladslove - A plant used by English poets of the 19th and early 20th centuries as a symbol of homosexuality.
Lambda - The eleventh letter of the Greek Alphabet was chosen in 1970 by the Gay Activists Alliance in New York as a symbol of liberation. In 1974, the first International Gay Rights Conference adopted the lambda as an international symbol of gay and lesbian liberation. It was originally used in jewelry and art for homosexuals to reveal their identity to each other secretly. Spartan platoons made up solely of homosexual men are said to have had this symbol emblazoned on their shields. The lambda represents synergy, the concept that the whole is greater than its independent parts.
Lavender - A color chosen to represent gays and lesbians because of its mixture of pink (for girls) and blue (for boys) into a gender-neutral color.
Patriotic Triangle- A triangle composed of the American Flag, symbolic of the Victory Fund, an agency that aids and funds qualified candidates who are openly gay or lesbian who seek public office.
Pink Triangle - Thousands of gay men, and men perceived to be gay, were condemned in World War II to Nazi concentration camps and labeled with pink triangles, similar to the way in which Jews were forced to wear yellow stars. Displayed with the point down, the pink triangle has been reclaimed as a symbol of remembrance and pride.
Rainbow Flag - Displayed with the red stripe at the top, the rainbow flag was designed by Gilbert Baker in San Francisco in 1979 to celebrate the diversity of the lesbian and gay community. It is now recognized by the International Congress of Flag Makers as a symbol of gay and lesbian pride. The rainbow colors themselves now appear on all types of objects; such as bumper stickers, coffee mugs, key chains, necklaces, bracelets, t-shirts, clocks, etcetera.
Red Ties - Worn by men in the first few decades of the 20th century to reveal their gay identity to each other
Stonewall and Christopher Street- The Stonewall Inn was a gay bar on Christopher Street in the Greenwich Village area of New York City. A June 27,1969 police raid on the Stonewall sparked a three-day riot which has become a symbol of gay and lesbian resistance to societal oppression. The Stonewall riots are often said to be the birthplace of the modern gay and lesbian rights movement.
Ten Percent - A figure taken from sex researcher Alfred Kinsey’s research which estimated 10 percent of the adult American population to be predominantly gay and lesbian.
Violet - A plant used throughout history to represent same-sex love, especially lesbianism. In ancient Greece, the poet Sappho wrote poetry describing herself and her lover wearing tiaras of violets. Violets were worn in 16th century England by men and women who did not plan to marry. In the 1926 play “The Captive," a bouquet of violets represented lesbian love.
