Most of us assume domestic violence is physical abuse, like hitting or pushing, but there are other acts of domestic violence, such as emotional and verbal abuse, intimidation and threats. If you are pressured or coerced against your will, physically, mentally, or sexually by your partner, you are a victim of domestic violence. If you engage in these behaviors to “control” your partner, you are engaging in domestic violence. Recent studies indicate that same-sex partners experience domestic violence at about the same rates as heterosexual couples. It’s even possible that the actual numbers are higher for same-sex victims, because many incidents go unreported to authorities.
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in which one person tries to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of a lover, friend, or person with a significant relationship to them. It is a cycle of abuse which includes, but is not limited to: Physical and sexual abuse, psychological/emotional abuse, property destruction, threats, intimidation, isolation, economic abuse, and homophobic manipulation. Battering happens in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (hereafter LGBT) communities as often as in straight communities. It crosses all ethnic, social, racial and economic lines. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, and anyone can batter, regardless of identity, politics, gender, or experience.
The primary motive for domestic violence is to establish and maintain power and control over a partner. Violence and abuse are always a choice. Whatever a person’s background or experience, s/he must take responsibility for her/his actions. No one has the right to batter, and no one deserves to be battered.
LGBT victims have a difficult time recognizing abuse because of the lack of information, education, and community discussion around same-gender domestic violence. Without images of positive LGBT relationships in mainstream culture, and silence within the LGBT community about issues of abuse and violence, many victims do not have the tools to recognize their relationships as abusive.
Batterers use affection as well as violence to control their partners. Domestic violence functions as a cycle of abuse in which there is a "good” or "normal” time, leading into a phase of increased tension and fear. Eventually a violent or abusive explosion occurs. Ironically this is followed by a "honeymoon” period in which a batterer may apologize, make promises, and act affectionate. This phase serves to further confuse a victim, and may prevent him or her from recognizing the situation as domestic violence.
A common question about domestic violence in same-gender relationships is how it differs from domestic violence between heterosexuals. There is a great deal of overlap in the issues surrounding domestic violence for both opposite-gender couples and same-sex couples.
Forms of Abuse Violence includes, but is not limited to physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, economic, and verbal abuse.
Control The purpose of abuse is to get and maintain control and power over one’s intimate partner.
Isolation The abused may feel isolated, terrified, and debilitated by the violence.
Cycle of Violence Abuse does not happen all the time, it often occurs in a cyclical fashion. Unpredictable attacks are a part of the tyranny.
Impact of Psychological Abuse The victim/survivor may feel as if s/he cannot do anything right.
Abuse Doesn’t "Go Away” Violence generally gets worse over time.
Leaving is Dangerous It is often more dangerous for a victim/survivor to leave a relationship than to stay in it.
Blame The victim/survivor often faces both blatant and subtle blame and disbelief for the abuse that s/he is experiencing.
Batterers are Hard to Recognize Anyone can be a batterer. Perpetrators of abuse may work as advocates for victims, or take on other high profile political or professional work and hide the terror they wield at home.
Statistics Violence in heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships occurs at approximately the same rate (one in four).
Identity is no Protection In spite of stereotypes race, class, religion, politics, education, and professional or social status do not indicate whether or not abuse will take place in an intimate relationship.
Batterer Mentality A sense of entitlement exists among perpetrators; they believe that they have the right to empower themselves by disempowering others.
Children Abuse in the home severely impacts the children living in that home, whether or not are the direct recipient of the abuse.
Legal Protection Domestic violence laws apply to both same-gender and opposite-gender couples in the most states.
Services Lesbians and gay men, bisexual and transgender people who have been abused have fewer services available to them.
Isolation The isolation that accompanies domestic violence can be compounded by being LGBT in a homophobic society. Silence about domestic violence within the LGBT community further isolates the victim, giving more power to the batterer.
Heterosexist Manipulation A batterer may threaten to ‘out’ a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity to friends, family, co-workers, or a landlord. In addition to this, existing services may require an individual to "come out” against his or her will.
Community Myths Many LGBT individuals do not want to challenge the myth of community non-violence.
Protectionism About "Queer Love” The discrimination LGBT people face can lead to our over-protection of same-gender relationships, and an unwillingness to recognize abuse when it happens. Some idolize "queer love” as a deconstruction of many of the power differences in heterosexual relationships, and defend same-gender relationships against a homophobic society bent on invalidating them. This defensiveness can build community denial about abusive relationships.
Fear of Further Oppression As an oppressed and defamed group, the LGBT community is often hesitant to address issues that many fear will further "stain” the community. "Don’t we have enough to deal with?” is a common phrase from people unwilling to discuss domestic violence in the LGBT community.
Gender-Based Denial The battered women’s movement often avoids the fact that women do batter, and men are victims. This denial is also present among many police, hospital workers, and people in the criminal justice system.
Gender Myths People assume that two men in a fight must be equals. Similarly, GBT men often reject the idea that they can be victims.
Context of Historical Oppression LGBT people often approach shelters, social service agencies, domestic violence service providers, police, and the courts with great caution. LGBT victims may fear re-victimization through homophobia, disbelief, rejection and degradation from institutions that have a history of exclusion, hostility and violence toward LGBT people.
Shelter No transitional, medium-term, or long-term shelters exist for battered GBT men.
Myths about S & M Misconception that LGBT victims of domestic violence are only experiencing an S & M sexual relationship.
Limited Community Space Even in larger cities, the LGBT community can feel surprisingly small, privacy is often difficult to maintain, and leaving may be more difficult.
Children Abuse in the home severely impacts the children living in that home, whether or not are the direct recipient of the abuse.
If you are a victim of domestic violence—don’t let your partner control or mistreat you. You can take steps to protect yourself against further abuse. Help is available:
In an emergency situation, call 911.
If it is not an emergency, call for police assistance or go to a police station to file a report of an incident. Even if laws do not exist to protect GLBT victims in your area, certain incidents of domestic violence can be successfully reported and prosecuted.
Domestic Violence Shelter & Services, Inc (Wilmington/New Hanover County)- (910) 343-0703 ** The Domestic Violence Shelter is there for us ALL! Male or Female: LGB or T, Do Not Hesitate to Call!
For information about services in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-779-7233 (TTY 1-800-787-3224)
Talk about your concerns with someone you trust – a friend, relative, or a health care practitioner. There are people out there who can help you.
If you are a victimizer—you don’t have to abuse your partner or lose control. There are other ways to deal with your feelings. Remember—all you have to do is makea decision to stop abusing your partner and you can get help from many sources.
Talk about your concerns with someone you trust—a friend, relative, or a health care practitioner. There are people out there who can help you.
Partner abuse/domestic violence is not a matter of losing control or managing anger. It is not a communication problem or relationship issue and is not caused by stress. Rather, partner abuse/domestic violence is a deliberate and systematic pattern of physical, sexual, psychological, financial and/or verbally abusive behaviors used by one person in an intimate relationship to gain and maintain power and control over the thoughts, beliefs and/or actions of the other. It may include threats, intimidation and covert harm as well as life threatening acts of violence. The pattern of abusive behavior usually occurs within a cycle that escalates and grows in severity over time.
The facts about LGBT partner abuse/domestic violence are often obscured by various myths & misconceptions. Common myths & misconceptions include the belief that women are not violent, that men are not commonly victims, and that LGBT domestic violence is mutual and not as severe as heterosexual battering.
Although more research is needed, it is believed that partner abuse/domestic violence occurs within the LGBT community with as much frequency and severity as it does in the heterosexual community. It often begins as psychological abuse (including emotional and verbal abuse) and commonly escalates into physical violence that can be life-threatening.
Partner abuse/domestic violence is a significant problem that can be lethal and has serious physical health, mental health, and social consequences for the survivors/victims and their families, the LGBT community, and society at large. It occurs in ALL segments of the community regardless of race, class, ethnicity, culture, age, ability, education, politics, religion/spiritual beliefs, health status, gender identity or sexual orientation.
People who stay with abusive partners do not enjoy abuse and violence. Leaving is never simple. Some are too frightened by their partner's threats to attempt it. Others stay because they hope that the abuse will stop. And because domestic violence is thought to occur most commonly in heterosexual relationships, those in the LGBT community may not even realize that they are experiencing it.
No one deserves to be abused and no one has the right to abuse another.
has called the other names or belittled the other.
has threatened to out the other against his/her wishes.
is obsessively jealous, has an explosive temper and/or difficulty controlling anger.
has used abusive behavior to control the other.
has interrogated or attempted to restrict the outside interests, activities and associations of the other (including associations with family members).
behaves more aggressively when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
has refused to discuss or practice safer sex.
has controlled the finances of the other or refused to pay a fair share of the expenses without previous agreement.
has coerced or forced the other to have sex or has caused the other pain or humiliation without his/her consent.
has broken or thrown objects when angry.
has withheld medication from the other or jeopardized the other's health.
has hit, shoved, slapped, kicked, bitten, burned, restrained or used weapons against the other.
has harmed or threatened to harm children or pets.
has stalked the other.
has monitored the other's phone calls or email/internet access and use.
has used the other's race, culture, ethnicity, age, immigration status, religion/spiritual belief(s), education, politics, HIV or health status, ability, gender identity or sexual orientation to cause harm.
has witnessed or experienced family-of-origin violence.
has abused or experienced abuse in a previous relationship.
OR if friends, neighbors, family members, counselors, clergy or co-workers have expressed concern about your relationship and/or about you or your partner's safety.
